A Very Tsubasa Halloween
by Le Penguin
Summary: The gang is sent to a haunted house to search for a feather. Jinkies!


**Notes:** A Halloween fic I wrote in October 2005. If you want to see the little MS Paint illustrations I made up to go along with it, visit my LiveJournal.

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**DUE TO THE FATALITIES INCURRED IN CLAMP WORKS OVER THE YEARS, WE HAVE COMPILED THE FOLLOWING SURVIVAL GUIDE.**

**Constant vigilance is the first key to survival.**

**Keeping it in your pants is the second.**

**I. If you are happy, peaceful, and generally angst-free, you're fucked.**

"You know what I like about you, Watanuki?" slurred Yuuko as she tossed an arm around the boy's shoulders. Well, she _meant_ to toss an arm around his shoulders, anyway. He ended up getting punched in the nose by the effort.

Watanuki sputtered angrily and dragged himself off the floor. "The fact that I put up with your constant abuse!"

"You betcha!" Yuuko crowed. She made a toast to Watanuki with her sake bottle, and took a long gulp. "And yanno, outta all of my clients, you're the only one who got that thing out of the bathroom drain. I like that about ya, too!"

Watanuki just shivered. He didn't know the whos and whys of how that tentacle monster had made its way into Yuuko's treasure collection, much less of how it'd gotten lodged in the sink drain, and less still of why it had taken such an enthusiastic interest in him. He only remembered passing out, and later waking sprawled over a couch courtesy of a bucket of ice water on his head.

From what he could piece together afterward from Yuuko's shrieks of laughter, Doumeki was somehow involved in the tentacle monster's relocation to the treasure room. Watanuki grimly thought then, as he still did now, that he would choose the tentacle monster over being the damsel to--to--_that guy's_ knight.

"All those other customers! Psh!" Yuuko flopped back, sucking on the sake bottle like a baby guzzling milk. "Only giving me little trinkets...what am I gonna do with some kid's _relationship?_ I mean, least I can sell an _eye_ on the internet...though I guess I could sell a relationship on the internet, too. Look into that for me, will ya?"

"Oh, sure thing," Watanuki grumbled.

At least falling to the tentacle monster's tender mercies would have ended his enslavement.

"Atta boy!" Yuuko yawned. Then belched. "I wonder what they're doin' right now. Let's take a lil' peeksies..."

She whistled, and Larg's ears perked up from inside a nearby sake cup. The creature crawled out with a yawn, and waddled over to the witch.

"Does Yuuko want to play another drinking game?" it asked, rubbing at its tired eyes.

"Naaaah, I ain't in the mood for beer pong right now," she replied, laughing. "I wanna check in on our little friends! Ring them up, will ya?"

"Sure! Please wait while the connection is dialing up!" Larg began making odd beeping and shrieking noises.

Yuuko rolled her eyes and flopped back on the couch. "I need to get him hooked up to broadband or somethin'..."

"You've got dimensional travelers--!" trilled Larg after a few more moments of beeping.

A beam of light shone out of its forehead jewel with the image of Syaoran and company.

The party sat in a grassy grove. The sun shone its merry rays down on the bitsy creatures going about their daily business: birds tweeting their songs in the trees above, little squirrels darting through the grass to their tree homes with their cheeks stuffed full of food, pudgy bunnies sniff-sniffing at the flowers.

Sakura sat next to Syaoran, and she watched with fascinated interest as Syaoran patiently taught her to weave flower chains--doubtless he was only repeating what she had taught him when they were children in their own land, but the two made a happy picture nonetheless.

Kurogane snored peacefully, propped against a sturdy oak tree, blissfully unaware that Fai was weaving flowers into his hair. The wizard finished his work with a clover artfully tucked behind the ninja's ear. Fai gave a soft smile, and lowered his nose to Kurogane's hair to inhale deeply.

The whole scene was broadcast from Soel, who was having a spirited conversation with a chipmunk about the pros and cons of walnuts.

Yuuko looked positively sick. "Watanuki, girls, code green..." she gagged out, covering her mouth.

"Code _what_?" a confused Watanuki asked.

Maru and Moro sprang into action and raced to a glass-covered box labeled, "In case of Code Green, break glass." They took its advice, and produced buckets, towels, ice, and some ominous-looking bottles from its shattered remains. Yuuko groaned as Maru smoothed a damp cloth over her forehead, while Larg chattered out apologies.

"_Ugh_." She rubbed at her stomach, grimacing. "That was _disgusting_."

"...disgusting?" Watanuki was baffled. "They look happy. There's little squirrels and birds and chipmunks--"

Yuuko lurched forward, grabbing at a bucket. Maru and Moro tsked their fingers at Watanuki.

"Shame on you! Making mistress sick like that!"

Watanuki grabbed at his hair in frustration. "ARRRGH! Fine! I won't talk at all anymore!"

Looking up from the bucket groggily, Yuuko shuddered. "Ugh, that's going to replace those eyeless fish-beasts in my nightmares..."

She handed the bucket to Watanuki, who stared at it distastefully before gingerly setting it down. Yuuko looked thoughtful.

"I've gotta stir that up _somehow_..." she mused as she tapped her long fingers on her chin. She pointed at Watanuki. "Get me my thinking cap and a heaping handful of Alka-Seltzer!"

Watanuki, being of reasonable sanity, knew that only one of those demands made sense. Before he could voice this opinion he was dragged out of the room by Maru and Moro.

There were many things in the treasure room; of them, there was a sizable collection of hats from various time periods and worlds. Watanuki gazed around, unsure of where to start. His eyes landed on a beeping, pulsating, decidedly dangerous-looking metal hat.

"Is _that_ it?" asked he.

Maru and Moro giggled. "No, silly, that's mistress' helmet for when she plays Full-Contact Pong!"

Watanuki didn't pursue the subject. "Okay, so where's her thinking cap?"

Moro pointed to a green blob on a high shelf. Watanuki climbed up to take it down, and upon closer examination of it he tumbled back down to the ground.

"Something wrong?" the two girls asked.

"It's a _frog_," Watanuki sputtered. He knew it was useless. He blazed on. "A stuffed frog."

"Yep!" Maru and Moro confirmed.

"WH--oh, whatever. Let's get back before Yuuko-san gets sick again."

Alka-Seltzer and Thinking-Frog in hand, the trio traipsed back to the living room. Yuuko dumped the seltzers into her martini, and sat the frog on her head.

"Hmm..." She pondered. And pondered. And pondered some more.

"This is thrilling," Watanuki mumbled.

"Hush! Mistress needs silence to think!" the girls scolded.

A slow smile was winning its way across Yuuko's face. She gave a low laugh.

"Oh-ho-ho...yes, that'll do..." She cackled and tented her fingers. "Oh, yes. That'll do."

A snap of Yuuko's fingers and Larg was at her side, standing at attention. She bent to whisper in its ear--hiccupping giggles interrupted her speech, but Larg seemed to decipher it easily enough. Watanuki managed to catch a snippet of something concerning "zombies and--hic! And bathin' suits," before he made a dash for his school satchel and the door. As always, Maru and Moro ran interference and brought him hard to the floor.

"Mistress has a plan, mistress has such a devious plan--!" they sang.

Watanuki whimpered.

**II. The car will always break down in a horrid storm, and the only shelter nearby is always a creepy mansion. Figuratively, of course. **

It was a dark and stormy night, and the gang's van had broken down on a desolate back-street in an equally desolate and frightening forest.

"Jinkies!" Sakura exclaimed.

"Huh?" Syaoran gazed around, puzzled. "...where are we?"

Fai pondered the van next to them, one finger tapping against his chin. "And why do we have a grumbling metal box?"

Kurogane was on guard already, and his eyes scanned around suspiciously. He scratched at his ear, frowned, and plucked out the clover that Fai had set there earlier.

"And why do I have flowers on my head!" Kurogane growled as he cast a pointed look at the magician.

"Kurogane smells pretty!" Soel noted, taking a deep breath of a daisy plucked from the ninja's locks.

Fai smiled guilelessly. "Well, I thought that you'd like to smell the flowers. You were taking a nappy-nap, though, so I put them on your head for safekeeping!"

Kurogane snarled and stuffed the clover into his pocket. "Whatever. We don't have time for your stupid antics now." He slanted a look at Soel. "Where are we?"

Soel shrugged. "Mokona doesn't know. Yuuko called when we were in Happy-Hoppy-Floof-Floof Land, and had Mokona transport everyone here!"

The jewel on his forehead began to blink. Soel trilled out,

"You've got Dimensional Witch--!"

Yuuko's voice boomed, impossibly loud, from the jewel.

"Welcome to the first annual Dimensional Olympics, my pretties!"

A group blink.

"Dimensional..." Sakura echoed.

"...Olympics," Syaoran murmured, thoughtfully. "A festival consisting of athletic games and contests of choral poetry and dance. In some areas, they're celebrations to honor the local gods. I'd imagine that many areas have similar festivals, though they're not all called 'Olympics,' obviously, since that would be--"

Yuuko interrupted the history lesson. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Dimensional Olympics," she continued, her voice mystic. "Is an ancient tradition to honor the gods of all the dimensions."

Sakura cocked her head, eyebrows furrowing. "If it's that ancient, why is it only the 'first annual'?"

Silence for a moment.

"...okay, fine. It's something I came up with around ten minutes ago while I was drunk and had a frog on my head."

"If you just made it up, does it still honor the gods?" Sakura asked, still confused. She turned to Syaoran and whispered to him, "Isn't there some sort of paperwork for that?"

Yuuko let out a long sigh on the other end of the Mokophone. "Again. Drunk. Frog. It's to honor _me_. Now, I've split you off into teams according to your abilities..."

This seemed to not go down well with the company.

"What! If we're split up, we can't understand each other!" Syaoran protested.

Yuuko pshawed. "Oh, don't worry. You'll all be close enough to Mokona. Now, let's get started! Chop-chop!"

The group was dragged at breakneck speed down the dusty road, trees and rocks and the occasional eerie hitchhiker zooming past until they came to an abrupt stop in front of a spooky-looking mansion.

"Your arena. Your mission, if you choose to accept it and actually have no choice, is to get to the feather in the library of this dump by any means necessary."

There was a dubious silence. Yuuko continued.

"That seem too easy to be true? That's because there are some nasty creatures in there, plus the whole place is even less stable than it looks..."

A board covering one of the attic windows tore off in the wind and clattered to the earth to prove this point.

"...plus, you'll be competing against the other dimensional travelers I've invited here. Spice things up, you know. But I'm sure you'll manage."

The group was lifted off their feet and hauled into the house. Yuuko's cackling grew dimmer as Soel was dragged away by the wind.

"Good luck!"

**III.** **Once you find your love interest, stick to them like glue. The Power of Love™ will protect you as long as you don't get naked with them.**

Dusty boards greeted Syaoran's eyes as he slowly awoke. He groaned and pressed a hand to his forehead with a wince. A second ticked by on the room's resident creepy grandfather clock before Syaoran's instincts kicked in.

"Princess!" He looked around frantically. "Kurogane-san? Fai-san? Mokona?"

A soft whimper came from behind a pile of boxes. Syaoran scrambled over, breathing a sigh of relief when he saw Sakura's trembling form. He knelt beside her, drawing her near to him for protection.

"Princess," he whispered softly. "Are you alright? Can you move?"

Sakura's head bobbed gently against Syaoran's chest, one hand coming up to fist in his collar.

"Mmm..." came the soft noise of assent. "I-I'm fine."

Her eyes scanned the room warily. "Where are we?"

"I don't know," Syaoran admitted as he helped Sakura to her feet. "But we have to find the others."

_So we can find Mokona. So we can find your feather. So I won't keep on failing you_, Syaoran angsted in his thoughts.

It was then, as Sakura finally found her balance, that Syaoran noticed their outfits.

For Sakura, a short schoolgirl skirt accented by thigh-high white stockings, the latter secured with lacy garters. A button-down shirt, open several buttons, the tie around the neck flapping open.

For Syaoran, tight black pants that were more zipper than leather. About five more belts than were strictly necessary were slung about his hips. His own undershirt, a white contrast under his black leather jacket, was flapping in a non-existent wind.

All generously provided by Yuuko, no doubt. Syaoran didn't really know whether to thank her or not.

Sakura seemed to notice his uneasiness. She slipped her hand into his and gave it a comforting squeeze.

Syaoran gulped. It was going to be a long night.

**IV. Get a cute animal--they usually survive the movie, and are marginally useful as an alarm system. Though not for much else.**

"...and these clothes! These rags have _no_ practical uses in combat!" Kurogane griped. He buried his hands deep into the pockets of his new leather trenchcoat. "What does that witch expect us to do; do a floor show for our enemies!"

"Well, Kuro-pii, _I'd_ certainly admit defeat if you gave me that honor," Fai replied, twirling. He was wearing something that looked as if it were ripped out of the closet of a courtesan, and had feathers where no feathers should rightly be.

"Kurogane would make a very good exotic dancer!" Soel trilled. Soel was wearing a string bikini. He didn't exactly have the figure for it.

Soel's forehead jewel flashed. "Monster ahead!"

The trio darted under an old table in the hallway, waiting for the heavy breathing of the passing monster to disappear. Kurogane growled.

"Hey, meat bun!" he hissed, poking at Soel's jewel. "Get the witch on the line and tell her to give us some god damn weapons!"

"Yuuko reminds all of her contestants that she's not a charity--!" Soel said, sing-song. "Pay up or find your own weapons!"

Kurogane twitched. "We _had_ our own! Where did she stash the kid's and my swords!"

The flashing started again. "Monster passing!"

A monster oozed past the trio with a sickening sticky sound. Kurogane growled and grabbed at Soel's ears, crawling out from under the table.

"Fine! I don't have to rely on that bitch to protect myself!" He stomped off down the hall, fuming. Soel dangled from his hand, squealing.

"Bravely bold Sir Kuro-woof rode forth from Camelot--! He was not afraid to die, O, brave Sir Kuro-woof!" the creature sang, perky. "He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways; brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Kuro-woof--!"

Fai smiled, shaking his head. As Kurogane disappeared behind a turn, Fai cupped a hand to his ear, waiting.

Kurogane's stomps slowed, then stopped. The ninja came tearing back around the turn, pursued by something large, loud, and sticky.

"Brave Sir Kuro-woof ran away! Bravely, ran away, away! When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled!" Soel sang as he dangled from Kurogane's hand.

"Why, Kuro-wan, it looks like you've found a new friend!" Fai exclaimed as Kurogane thundered near.

"SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!" Kurogane scooped up Fai as he ran by and threw him over one shoulder.

"Hi, Fai!" Soel trilled, waving up at him.

"Oh, Kuro-koi, you're so bold!" Fai exclaimed with a wide grin. He trailed a fingertip down Kurogane's spine. "Here, of all places..."

Kurogane grit his teeth, and bravely resisted the urge to drop the mage. "I should've just fucking left you to that--"

A nasty-looking glob of glop zoomed past the trio, barely missing them. Kurogane hoisted Fai more comfortably on his shoulder--Fai's sequined ass was shoved closer to Kurogane's face, which was decidedly _un_comfortable--and rounded another corner.

At the sight of another dripping, goopy monster, Fai hmmed thoughtfully.

"I'm sensing a theme."

"Bravely brave Sir Kuro-woof was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp! Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken!" Soel began again, swaying back and forth.

Kurogane also hmmed thoughtfully as he contemplated if the diets of Ick Monsters could be expanded to include Fais and meat buns.

**V. Be the comic relief. The comic relief always lives.**

"It was sure nice of Mokona to give us free tickets to this amusement park!" Hikaru said, happily.

Umi slapped her palm to her forehead. "Hikaru, how dumb are you? This isn't an amusement pa--"

"Look! It's a mascot! HIIIIII, MISTER!" Hikaru dashed toward an oncoming zombie, oblivious to the danger.

"Eat braaaaaaaaaains," informed the zombie.

"HIKARU!" shrieked Umi, running after the redhead.

Fuu tapped her chin. "Hmm," she thought aloud. "It was very kind of Mokona-san to transport us here, whatever here is. Though..."

She looked down at her outfit. "I don't quite understand why we're all wearing only lacey underthings."

The zombie grabbed Hikaru before Umi could reach her, and sniffed at the girl's head. It frowned.

"...braaaaaaaaaains!" it insisted, dropping Hikaru with disdain and lumbering toward Umi.

Hikaru giggled. "That's what they told me when I went to Disneyland, too!"

"Perhaps it's some sort of promotion?" Fuu continued to think aloud. "Perhaps everyone who enters here gets free clothing from a clothing chain affiliate. ...that still doesn't _quite_ explain the lacey underthings..."

Umi growled and got into ready position. "I doubt our magic works here," she mumbled to herself.

She rushed the zombie headlong, landing a flying kick to its head. The head flew off, landing atop a nearby bookshelf. Umi landed in a neat roll.

"...but a boot to the head is pretty much multi-universal," she decided, dusting herself off triumphantly.

"Brains," the zombie's head pouted, petulantly, from the bookshelf.

Its beheaded body stumbled around blindly, groping around for its cap. After tumbling over a table, it crossed its arms and sulked. Fuu and Hikaru applauded while Umi took a bow.

A chime sounded from nowhere.

"Congratulations!" Yuuko's voice boomed through the room. "You've won yourselves a weapon!"

Umi puffed out her chest, smirking. "Oh yeah," she cackled. "What do we get? Swords? Zombie Blast-O-Guns? Some sort of portable wood-chipper?"

A tiny poof dropped something into Hikaru's palm.

"This laser pen that I found in my pocket. Knock yourselves out!"

Umi's eye twitched. Fuu sighed. Hikaru clicked the pen on and off, fascinated.

"Aww, don't look so down," Yuuko cooed. "Here, have some more zombies."

A horde of zombies burst out of an adjoining room and lumbered forward, groaning. Umi paled and held out a shaking hand to Hikaru.

"Hikaru..." She gulped. "Does that pen have a 'blow up zombies' switch on it?"

Hikaru frowned lightly and looked over the pen. "Yep!" she concluded.

To demonstrate, she aimed it at a front-line zombie and clicked the button. The zombie exploded in pink glitter.

Umi and Fuu made an impressed sound.

"Convenient," remarked Fuu.

**VI. Whether you live or die, you'll always be back for the sequel if you have a big enough fanbase.**

"ROROOOORWWWWWWWWRREEEERRRRRROWWLLLLLLLLLLL!" shrieked a monster, leaping from behind a door. "SNNNNNNNNRNRRRRRRRRRONNNNWWWLLLLLLLLLL!"

Seishirou smiled tolerantly. "Pardon me, sir, I didn't mean to interrupt. If you'll excuse me."

He moved to slip past the monster into the next room. The monster blinked its nineteen eyes. It grit its teeth, stepped in Seishirou's path, and tried again.

"FFFFOROOROOOOOOOOOROOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" it howled, leaping from clawed foot to clawed foot. "VRRRRRRRRGGGGGOOONNN!"

"My apologies for the intrusion, but I really must get past," Seishirou patiently explained. "I've got business with the books in the library, and if I don't get there before my opponents do I might be rudely swept away before I can find what I need. I'm sure you understand."

"TSSSSSSSSSSRRRRRRHHGGGGGG!" the monster objected, flailing its limbs. "MMMMRHRHRHHRHRHRHRHRHR!"

Seishirou shook his head, sighed, and punched a hole through the monster's chest. The monster exploded into green goop.

"Some people have no manners," tsked Seishirou. He took out a hankie to clean off his glasses, and strode into the next room.

**VII. Whatever they offer you, DON'T FEED THE PLANTS.**

Feather. Focus. Syaoran swallowed, trying his very hardest to do so. It was difficult, however, because, because...

Sakura, holding onto his arm for protection, glanced up at him. She again noticed his unease, and smiled encouragingly.

...well, the princess was just so very _pretty_. But--Syaoran's angst chip activated--it was beyond inappropriate for him to have such thoughts, because Sakura's memories hadn't returned yet and the memories of him never would, and because this situation was far too dangerous to be focusing on how Sakura's lashes framed her eyes, and because he was her only protector now for Pete's sake and he was thinking about _this_ and--

Sakura recognized the glazed look in Syaoran's eyes. It happened a lot when he was mauling himself over little things. Usually Fai or Mokona were around to snap him out of it, though...Sakura mulled over her options.

Her attention was drawn to a nearby door in the hall they crept through. With some effort, she disengaged herself from Syaoran--he had a death grip when he was in Angst Mode--and tiptoed over to read the plaque on the door.

"'The Garden of Seemingly Harmless Plants'..." Sakura deciphered, with effort. Mokona must be getting further away, she decided with some concern.

A lightbulb went off. Pounding a fist into her hand, Sakura grinned.

_That's it!_, thought she. _I'll pick some flowers from in there and weave them just like Syaoran taught me!_

Flowers, from what she could pick from her fragmented memories, made people happy. She saw a memory of home flash before her eyes--her older brother, presenting a fragrant bouquet to the high priest. Her older brother then whispering into the priest's ear. The priest grinning, taking her brother by the scruff of his neck, and dragging him toward his room.

Sakura didn't remember the specifics, but the two had sure looked happy.

So--she pushed open the door to the garden warily, gently pulling an angst-comatose Syaoran along by his elbow--flowers it was.

And flowers there _were_. Sakura gaped at the sheer variety in the garden, unsure of where to start. With a determined nod, Sakura leaned Syaoran against a pillar and set out to wander the garden paths.

Flowers in trees, flowers in bushes, flowers on vines, flowers in the soil, red flower, blue flower, tye-dye flower, translucent ghost woman walking toward her, white flower...

Wait. Sakura examined her train of thought, and found the problem. The woman stopped in front of her, looking her up and down. Sakura blinked, and waved at her.

"Hello," she greeted, and curtsied. Sakura didn't remember if there was specific protocol for greeting ghost ladies, so she went with what she knew. "My name is Sakura."

The woman pondered this. "Sa...ku...ra?"

She nodded. A lovely smile spread across the ghost's misty features.

"Such a nice name. It brings to mind visions of spring, you know." The ghost tapped her chin. "And bloody, gaping chest wounds. But, well, everything reminds me of one or the other these days."

Sakura blinked. She then smiled nervously.

"...r-really? Is that so?" she asked, politely.

"Do you know why my petals are tye-dyed?" rasped out the nearby tye-dye flower. "It's because I ate some bad sushi last week, and--"

The ghost dismissed the flower with an elegant wave of a tiny hand. "I explained why drunken fishermen were not proper nutrition, Octavian. And did you listen?"

Octavian the tye-dyed flower merely grumbled in response. Sakura laughed nervously, and the ghost giggled back childishly in kind. Vines sniffed at Sakura's ankles, mumbling to themselves.

"Are you vacationing here as well, Sakura?" She cupped a ghostly palm to her ear and frowned. "...no, no, I can hear your heart beat still. Oh, but you _should_ vacation here when you die, Sakura. Such lovely scenery!"

"I-I can see that!" Sakura stammered out, held as she was in mid-air by twisting vines. The vines made a brief, considering noise before they flipped her upside-down. Sakura let out a tiny squeak.

"I haunt Tokyo mainly, but there's just so much _noise_ there with all of the hubbub of that silly end of days that I decided to take a holiday." She gave a little twirl, making the leis looped around her neck and her Bermuda-print skirts shimmer and float through the air. "Dimensional Witch Airways is so wonderful for these little inter-dimensional excursions, you know!"

"Mm-hmm!" The vines wrapped tighter around Sakura's mouth; building themselves into a chrysalis around the girl.

"Oh dear, and where are my manners?" The ghost twirled, giggling still, to Sakura. "You may call me Auntie Setsuka. It pleases me so; having such lovely relatives."

Setsuka tapped the vines with a forefinger, and they retreated from Sakura's head and neck. She cupped Sakura's face in her ghostly hands and gave each dimple a kiss.

"So pretty. Now, I really must show you some pictures of your cousin." Setsuka clapped her hands to conjure up a photo album. "We'll start with the baby pictures!"

Meanwhile, Syaoran's angst session was winding to a close.

--and the king would never approve nor would the rest of the court or the kingdom and it would just never, _never_ happen in any situation because, well, she was _Sakura_ and he was just plain little brown dog Syaoran and...

Syaoran blinked hazily, shaking his head. Bitter self-loathing always left him dazed. He ran shaking fingers through his hair and turned to smile a suitably heartbreaking smile at Sakura--

--only to find no Sakura. Syaoran's brain processed this turn of events.

"...PRIN_CEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESS_!" howled Syaoran, terrified.

Think, think, think, dash to one side, then the other, trip over tree root, curse monocular vision, sniff sniff sniff the air over there? OVER THERE. Dash, dash--

"Doesn't he look so sweet there in his bonnet and booties? He was a little urpy the day I took the picture."

"Um. Very sweet. How old is he there?"

"Thirteen! You see, I decided I was his mother when he was nine, and so I didn't have any proper baby pictures. Then I had _this_ wonderful idea one day to solve that! Oh, and look! Here's the one where he dumped oatmeal all over his head..."

Voices through the trees--Syaoran dashed toward the sound. The two ladies blinked as a panting and wild-eyed Syaoran burst through the brush.

"Syaoran," Sakura said. "Sorry that I wandered off, I just wanted to--"

Setsuka shushed Sakura with a finger to the girl's lips. She looked Syaoran--a sweaty, rumpled mess now--over with a considering eye.

"'Syaoran'..." Setsuka seemed to ponder this for a moment before her tiny mouth curled down. "I don't like it."

Vines shot out from nowhere, wrapping themselves tightly around Syaoran. They hauled the struggling boy to the rest of the group, where they flipped him over to match Sakura. Setsuka giggled and beeped Syaoran's nose.

"Your name is Augustus. Gus for short!"

She flipped to photo album volume three with a sweet smile.

"Now, Gus, won't you join your Auntie and Sissy in looking at family photos?"

The Gus Formerly Known As Syaoran inwardly sighed. His father always told him that his angst chip would be the death of him.

**VIII. Make sure you alwa--RANDOM FANSERVICE.**

"He's near," whispered Subaru mystically. "I can smell him..."

A cold wind rustled through the room, stirring up the curtains at the window to billow around Subaru dramatically. Black leather sheathed long, finely shaped legs; the waist on the trousers hung invitingly low. A frilled white shirt draped from his shoulders. He breathed deeply.

"But he cannot find us. He shall not find us. He will not find us. He won't shall can't not..."

Subaru paused, his eyebrows furrowing. He counted off the words on his fingers silently.

His monologue was interrupted by a soft sob from a chair in the corner of the room. Subaru turned, face twisted with worry.

"Hokuto-chan," he said softly.

Hokuto curled up in the chair, burying her forehead in her knees. Subaru swept over to sit next to her and put a comforting hand on his twin's shoulder.

"It's alright, Hokuto-chan...we're safe here. The beasts here don't attack us because of..."

His fangs glinted in the moonlight. Subaru swallowed. "Because of what we are."

Hokuto sniffled. "That...that's not it, Subaru..."

Subaru cocked his head to the side, confused. Hokuto wiped at her eyes with a hankie fetched from her corset.

"I...before we got teleported here, I...I'd seen this sundress on sale, and..." Hokuto let out a long howl of sorrow, burying her face in her hankie. "I KNEW THAT I'D _NEVER_ BE ABLE TO WEAR IT BECAUSE WE CAN'T GO OUT IN THE STUPID SUN!"

Subaru just blinked.

Hokuto flung herself across her twin's lap, bawling. "IT WAS SO--hic!--CUTE!"

Pausing, Hokuto frowned and poked at Subaru's tummy.

"You're so skinny," she scolded. "How you gonna get a husband if you don't eat? Oy, gevalt."

**IX. Remember, safety in numbers. **

"I believe we're lost, dearest puppy."

Kurogane grit his teeth. "I know exactly where we're going, thank you very much."

Fai let out a long sigh. "I'm sure," he said gently, patting Kurogane on the back. "But perhaps we should stop for directions?"

Kurogane snarled in frustration. "Oh, and who should we ask? That shrieking banshee we just barely missed?"

"And how do you know that she doesn't run a map and snack shop just around the bend?" Fai tsked.

Kurogane gave a low, warning growl in response. Fai shook his head and whispered to Soel,

"Typical man. Can't bear to ask for directions."

Soel patted Fai's hand sympathetically. "Yuuko says that all they need is patience and a firm but loving hand, and eventually they'll calm down. You know, Dimensional Witch Inc. has a wide variety of disciplinary tools for sale at reasonable prices!"

Fai looked intrigued. "Do tell!"

Soel spat out a catalogue and offered it to Fai. "This month's special is on all gags and electroshock tools; buy one get one free--"

"WHY WILL YOU NOT SHUT UP!" asked Kurogane, cool as a cucumber.

Fai tucked the catalogue into his g-string, hmming.

"Just girl talk, Kuro-pon," he assured, patting him on the back again. "Now, my question: why are you still carrying us?"

Kurogane stopped and scowled, apparently driven into deep thought by this question.

"...if I put you down, you dumbasses will still climb all over me anyway. You'd probably get picked off by enemies, or wander off, or something, too."

With that, he kept walking. Fai rose an eyebrow.

"...if keeping together is the main issue, perhaps we can purchase some handcuffs from Yuuko-san's catalogue."

**X. If you're pretty, female, and you kick some ass, you'll usually get out unscathed. Un-fanserviced? Hardly.**

"Hikaru! Fuu!" Umi gasped, her hair flowing about her dramatically as laser-pen rays exploded around her. "What the hell is going on?"

Fuu pursed full, red lips in thought as she ran her fingers through silken curls.

"I'm not sure, Umi-san," she murmured. Somehow, the nearly-nonexistent neckline of her nearly-nonexistent clothing dropped even lower. "I have the distinct impression that our zombie friends are more interested in tearing off our clothes than eating our brains."

"My eyelashes won't stop fluttering! I can't see!" wailed Hikaru, stumbling around blindly while her full, dark lashes fluttered.

"Oh Hikaru!" Umi cried out, flinging herself at the other girl. "I'll protect you!"

"Oh Umi-san! Oh Hikaru-san!" Fuu panted, following Umi's example.

"Oh Umi! Oh Fuu!" Hikaru gasped out, sliding her hands up her friends'--her protectors'--arms slowly and tangling her fingers in their hair.

"Oh!"

"Oh!"

"Oh!"

"Brains," added a zombie who had somehow procured a fire hose.

A shower of shimmering water poured down on the girls. Soft gasps escaped their lips as the water dragged chilly trails down their smooth skin.

"Hikaru...Fuu..." Umi said in a sensuous murmur.

"Mmm?" purred Hikaru.

"Yes, Umi-san?" whispered Fuu, slowly skimming her hand down Umi's back.

Umi let out a soft giggle. "You know what I wanna do...?"

The other two girls drew close to her, echoing her giggles.

"What's that, Umi?" Hikaru giggled, resting her hand on Umi's hip.

Umi tilted Hikaru's chin up; her lips hovering just centimeters from the younger girl's.

"...I...I want to..."

Her heel came down hard on the crotch of the zombie that was writing the scene. She repeated this action several times.

"SMASH!" Stomp. "STUPID!" Stomp. "ZOMBIE FANBOYS!" Stompy.

"I believe the politically acceptable term is 'differently-dead fanboys,' Umi-san," Fuu corrected.

Hikaru peered at the zombie's laptop screen curiously. "Where did I get a cucumber?" She made a face. "Veggies are icky."

Umi hmphed, tossing her hair over one shoulder before stomping down the hall. "Come on, you two. Let's mosey."

"Come along, Hikaru-san," Fuu chided gently, leading the girl away from the computer. "Fanboys respawn at an alarming rate, so we'd best be getting as far away as we can."

"Pooooorn," the zombie fanboy groaned. "Poooor--oof!"

"Sorry, mister!" Hikaru cheerily apologized as she trod over his crotch on the way out. "Have fun with your veggies!"

**XI. "Crazy" is a beneficial character trait.**

"...'Some vampires can be killed if their left sock is stolen, filled with garlic, and tossed into a river. The vampire will leap into the river to retrieve it and then drown.'"

Seishirou rose an eyebrow.

"My Subaru isn't quite that dense. But, hmm... 'some vampires are fond of throwing off their shrouds and attacking their victims in the nude.'"

He tapped his fingers lightly on the arm of the chair he sat in, a smile quirking the edge of his mouth. The man had reached the library some time ago through judicious blowing up of the pesky walls and monsters in his path, and was spending quality time researching by the light of the feather that floated lazily around the ceiling.

"Perhaps I can persuade him to do _that_. I'll get eternal life and a lovely picture all at once."

Flicking his fingers with his tongue, Seishirou lazily flipped through the pages of his book. Another passage caught his eye.

"Hmm. 'Vampires can be destroyed if they are tied to their gravestones with wild roses.'"

Seishirou purred at the image. "If roses would kill, perhaps cherry blossoms would restrain him long enough for me to sketch a picture or two..."

After another moment of appreciation, he returned his attention to the tome on his lap. With a soft sigh, he glanced at the grandfather clock propped against the library wall.

"Really," he murmured, shaking his head disapprovingly. "How long could getting through a few pests possibly take?"

**XII.** **Follow the advice of the older, wizened mentor figure--even if they do seem a bit loopy.**

"...and over there is the Turnipzukamori's summer home for all of _their_ former members. This is quite a popular spot for holidays among the discerning non-living! It was built on the site of a bloody massacre of an innocent town by the hand of a giant lizard. Or was it invaders? Oh, I always get those two confused..."

"Me too," Sakura replied earnestly.

"This place makes no architectural _sense_..." Syaoran whimpered as their tour car drove up an elegantly frescoed wall and onto a rooftop staircase.

"It gets a little bumpy here!" Setsuka trilled. "Seatbelts! Hands inside the car at all times! Don't feed the natives!"

"Morfble," added one of said natives, chewing on Syaoran's hair.

After they had poured over all of the photo albums in Setsuka's current possession, the ghost woman had taken it upon herself to give her two young visitors a tour of the house. Where she had procured a tour car for the occasion was unknown.

"...and the very boards the house is built from were taken from the Forest of Blood! The house ate all of the contractors afterward, you know--they didn't even know how to keep the poor thing well-fed; the amateurs."

The car bumped along the stairway as it spiraled down to the floor. Syaoran kept a firm grip on Sakura, tightening it every time she slid even a centimeter. Sakura smiled nervously.

"She's...very nice," she whispered to Syaoran.

"...very nice," Syaoran agreed, after a pause.

Sometimes, Syaoran wondered if Sakura had lost a couple of common sense feathers somewhere along the line.

"The trolley will be stopping momentarily to pick up new passengers--!" Setsuka sang out. "Helmets, everyone!"

"Helmets?" Sakura and Syaoran asked in unison.

Setsuka slammed on the brake, throwing Sakura and Syaoran forward and making their heads collide with the metal of the front seat with a sickening crack.

"Now, Sakura, Gus, if you were ghosts like your auntie, you wouldn't need helmets," Setsuka tsked.

Sakura and Syao-Gus groaned weakly.

"Fancy meeting you here!" Soel twittered, bounding onto Syaoran's head.

Syaoran's eyes flew open. "Mokona?" He glanced up quickly; the lump on his head made him immediately regret it. "--are Kurogane-san and Fai-san--?"

"We're hitching a ride with you, if you don't mind," Fai said, grinning. He glanced up at Kurogane, knowingly. "See what happens when we ask for directions?"

Kurogane's hair dripped with fruity-smelling ooze. His eye twitched.

"I get slimed and we get chased until we eventually lose our pursuer, then run into the kids by sheer luck of the draw?"

"Exactly!" Fai exclaimed, patting Kurogane on the head. "All's well that ends well!"

That seemed to be the last straw, and Kurogane abruptly ended Fai's piggyback ride. Fai sniffled dramatically, rubbing his back.

"Oh, Kuro-pii, why can we never go on a vacation without fighting?" he sighed.

Syaoran gazed at Soel, seeming slightly flustered by the fact that its eyes were tightly shut.

"Don't you sense anything?" he asked the creature, anxious.

Soel hmmed and tapped a paw against its mouth. Its ears twitched about as if searching for reception.

"Mokona sensed a little power when we first arrived," it replied. "But it's really weak now. Someone might have already gotten to the feather and tucked it away."

Syaoran paled. Not the response he wanted to hear. Fai slid into the backseat of the tour car neatly, dragging a sulking Kurogane next to him by his sleeve and allowing Soel to settle on his lap and fasten the seat belt over the two of them.

"We'll just have to un-tuck it then, won't we?" Fai said. He smiled sweetly at Setsuka, who beamed back. "That is, if our lovely tour guide will chauffer us?"

Setsuka clapped her tiny hands. "Why, yes, Francesca! Untucking sounds like great fun!"

Fai blinked. "'Francesca'?" he asked, puzzled.

Setsuka nodded. "Of course! Did you forget your own name, silly?"

Kurogane completely failed to hide his grin of triumph at this turning of the tables. Setsuka tsked her finger at him.

"Now, now, Kuro-pii; don't tease your brother."

Kurogane promptly choked, and Fai's perpetual smile returned with a vengeance.

"Um, Auntie?" Sakura gulped and pointed at Setsuka with a shaking finger. "Where did you get that hat?"

Setsuka hmmed and tapped at the brim of her new tour guide hat with a suddenly bloody hand. "You know, I don't quite remember. My memory must be going..."

Syaoran gripped the edge of his seat anxiously. "We have to hurry to the library!" he insisted to Setsuka. As he was a polite boy, he added a, "Please!"

Setsuka giggled. "Well, Gus, if you insist." She revved the engine and trilled out, "Helmets, everyone!"

"Helmets?" the group asked in unison.

Setsuka peeled out, tires squealing, and plowed through the nearest wall.

"We'll be there in no time!" she called over the screams, beaming.

**XIII. It doesn't have to make sense. Just go with it.**

"You know, I don't know exactly why the Dimensional Witch brought us here." Subaru shook his head and sipped at his tea.

Clothes flew willy-nilly from a nearby trunk. Hokuto's eyes peeked over the trunk's edge.

"How d'ya mean?"

Suddenly, a creepy music-box tune filled the air. A porcelain doll slowly rose up from inside the trunk, staring at Hokuto with blank eyes.

"...hellomynewfriend..." came the rasping whisper. Bit by bit, it inched toward the girl. "...wouldyouliketoplayagamewithme?"

The music ground to a halt when a severely spiked heel met the doll's face with a sickening crack. Hokuto blew a raspberry at the now-smashed porcelain visage.

"Don't interrupt my liddle brudder when he's talking!" she admonished.

She turned back to Subaru, propping her head on her arms and leaning against the trunk's edge. Eyelashes fluttered over sparkling eyes.

"You were saying?"

Subaru sighed, apparently unaffected by his twin's outburst.

"Well, it's just that we haven't even shown up in the series yet. We don't know our motives for running from Seishirou-san--"

Hokuto blinked. "I thought it was because you were playing hard to get."

Subaru ignored that. "--or how we were turned into vampires--"

The music started again. "...it'ssuchaverylovelygame--"

Another boot to the face silenced it.

"--or even what age we're supposed to be." Subaru threw up his arms, frustrated. "I don't know if I should be doing 'sweet and innocent' or 'wilting flower' or 'frigid bitch'!"

He buried his face in his hands, and gave a shuddering sigh. "...it's all just really confusing."

Hokuto made a sympathetic noise. "Don't worry, Subaru. Think of this as a vacation!"

She dove back under the piles of cloth. "I mean, I'm having a blast looking for new and exciting accessories in here! Try and find something to do until we get teleported back."

A green eye rose back over the trunk's edge, and winked. "Sei-chan would be a good start."

An aggravated groan from Subaru answered that suggestion, as did a bright flush across his cheeks. As did the doll.

"...don'tyouliketoplaygames?"

Hokuto growled. "_I_ know a game! It's called 'Boot to the Head'!"

CRACK.

"Whoo! Ten billion points to Team Sumeragi!"

Suddenly, the door to the room swung open. The twins sprung to their feet; immediately on-guard.

Hikaru, Umi, and Fuu blinked back at them.

The doll rose up from the trunk again.

"...friendsmustlearntodoalovelydancetogether..."

Its jaw unhinged and its head fell backward to reveal an old crank record player, which creaked out a perky tune. Hikaru broke into a grin and began to dance the patented Hikaru Bop, which looked more like a dog trying to catch its tail than any real dance.

The other four blinked at Hikaru, then at each other. With a shrug, they discovered that the Bop proved to be a much more worthy pastime than fighting.

**XIV. No matter what happens, a cheesy ending is not far away.**

"Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!"

Yuuko bit at her lime, slammed down another shot of tequila, and took a long lick of salt off her arm. Maru and Moro cheered uproariously.

Seishirou clapped politely.

"Your tolerance is admirable, madam. Enjoyable though it is to watch such a lovely lady drink herself into a stupor, might I ask when we can expect the other contestants?"

The projection of Yuuko against the library wall swerved and leered. Then hiccupped.

"Paaaaaaatience. They should be here any minute now." Yuuko gestured vaguely to the grandfather clock as some sort of proof. "But now, we move on to the piña coladas! Go and tell Watanuki to bring out some festive glasses!"

Watanuki's voice rang loud and angry from off-Mokocamera.

"Festive glasses, my--"

His outburst was cut short by a tour car plowing through the west wall. Setsuka peered around the now-broken windshield, then smiled and beeped at the horn.

"We're here--!" she sang. "Please exit the tour vehicle in an orderly fashion!"

The group inside tumbled out in a heap of limbs. Setsuka drifted out with ghostly grace. Seishirou blinked in disbelief.

"Mother?" he asked, confused at the vision his eye presented him with.

"Seishirou!" Setsuka breathed, pleased. "Fancy meeting you here! Are you on holiday, as well?"

"Since!" Yuuko interrupted, jabbing a finger at the group. "Every second is a second that I could be spending drinking coladas, we shall now move onto the awards! Soel, may we have some music?"

Soel hacked up a record player and slapped a vinyl onto it. An irritatingly perky award show theme blared through the room. The rest of the tour group groaned and stumbled to bruised hands and knees, blinking dazedly at the noise.

Yuuko made an elaborate gesture with her hands, making the sleeves of her kimono flap crazily. She beamed a drunken smile.

"Well, everyone did a wonderful job entertaining me tonight," she congratulated the group. "Now, for prizes! Oh, lovely assistant--!"

A scuffle was heard in the background, and Watanuki was suddenly shoved on-screen. He scowled, flushed, and tried to smooth down the frills in his skirt. Yuuko stifled crazy, half-drunk snickers with her sleeve. Watanuki grit his teeth and tried to salvage what little dignity he had left from his daily interaction with the witch.

"For 'Worst Survival Instincts,' we give this gift certificate to Team Clow, good for one free marital ai--"

Watanuki stopped, then blinked, then sputtered and gaped at Yuuko. "That's _sick!_"

Yuuko did her best to look innocent. "What? I betcha that the Syaoran kiddo could use a nice massage, and the oils I carry are very therapeutic!"

Sakura gingerly took the paper that faxed out of Soel's mouth and looked it over with blinking eyes.

"...what's sick about it? Syaoran-kun?"

Syaoran had passed out from bloodloss.

Watanuki gave one last glower to Yuuko, and blazed on. The sooner he finished, the sooner his school uniform would be back on.

"For 'Best Costuming,' we give Team Woofy-Kitty Bow-Meow Biscuit a pair of handcuffs and a salute."

Soel held up the handcuffs he spat up triumphantly while Yuuko delivered the salute. Watanuki seemed to have distanced himself from his current situation, though the eye-twitch told of the effort it was taking.

Kurogane barely held himself back from strangling Fai. "Since when was that our goddamned name!"

Fai shrugged, innocuously. "It seemed to support all of our needs," he explained.

Kurogane, to his credit, did not assault Fai; he merely returned to picking glass out of his hair and breathing a continuous string of swears under his breath.

"And, for the grand prize," Watanuki declared, so blissfully close to the end that he could taste it. "Team Sakurazuka, for 'Most Efficient' and first entrance to the library, we at Dimensional Witch Inc. present you with this special stake and the feather of this world."

Setsuka clapped enthusiastically, beaming. Soel spat the stake into Seishirou's hand, and Seishirou raised a questioning eyebrow at Yuuko.

"It vibrates," she explained with a wink. "_Veeeeery_ good for 'staking.'"

Seishirou gave her an appreciative smile. "You're too kind, madam."

He rose from his seat; the feather floated down to rest in front of his face. He took it between index and thumb, studying it disinterestedly.

"Sakura-san," he said. He floated the feather in her direction. "I've already got one of these. Have it on the house."

The feather disappeared into Sakura's chest, its light illuminating the whole room. Sakura's eyes slid closed, and she tumbled backward onto the still-unconscious Syaoran. Yuuko grinned, shaking her head.

"You're a softie," she snickered.

Seishirou shrugged, smiling blandly. "It's of no use to me. I hate to waste things."

"That's my boy," Setsuka cooed, pinching his cheek. Seishirou, briefly, adopted the expression of a gleeful five-year-old before schooling his features.

"Oh?" Yuuko grinned wickedly. "Then I should give you another prize, just so _it_ doesn't go to waste..."

She clapped her hands once. A burst of pink glitter misted the room in sparkles, and when it cleared...

A very dazed and decidedly disheveled Subaru lay on the armchair that Seishirou had previously claimed. He was tied in cherry branches, and missing his left sock. Hokuto hopped around the armchair, frantically trying to shake the doll off of her leg. Umi and Fuu were attempting to rein in Hikaru, who was determinedly Bopping after the doll.

"We give this lovely gold-plated laser pen to Team Cephiro for 'Most Monsters Snuffed...'"

Soel spat out a laser pen, and it skidded to Hikaru's feet. She stopped in her tracks, squealing happily before cradling it to her chest.

Umi grumbled angrily as she caught her breath. "Cheap locale, cheap threads, and a cheap prize..." she muttered.

"And, for 'Biggest Lazy-Butts,' we give Team Sumeragi to Team Sakurazuka."

"...friendsmustplaylovelygamestogether..."

"GET IT OOOOOOFF!" howled Hokuto, desperately.

With that, Watanuki yanked off his kitty ears and stormed off-Mokcamera. Yuuko called after him,

"I wouldn't go through the sitting room if I were you--"

An angry shriek interrupted her.

"GEFSOGJUSH WHY ARE _YOU_ HERE!"

"Certainly not for the same reasons as you, I think. Nice skirt."

"ASDFGHJKL; SHUT UP!"

"Ah, young love..." Yuuko sighed, reminiscing.

A well-aimed burst of energy from Seishirou dispatched the doll from Hokuto. She breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thanks, Sei-chan--!" she said with a perky salute. "You always manage to make a dashing rescue, don't ya?"

Seishirou took a bow. "It's a gift. And, speaking of gifts..."

He turned to Subaru, eyes smoldering. He tapped the special stake once, twice against his palm, a wide smile tugging at his mouth.

Subaru's eyes went wide. "Seishirou-san...?"

Seishirou leaned over Subaru to better see his expression as he trailed light fingertips up Subaru's inner thigh.

"I've hunted you, and now..." Seishirou bit a light trail up Subaru's neck. "...I've got to finish the job." He smiled against the pale, cool skin. "Business, you know."

Subaru's eyes rolled into the back of his head as a shiver overtook his body. "...b-business," he agreed.

Yuuko gave a drunken sway and grinned.

"And now, since we don't want to terrify the chilluns when they wake up, I bid you adieu. Take it away, Moko-chan!"

Larg's voice chirped over the award music, perky and clear.

"Awards and accommodations were provided by Dimensional Witch Inc.!"

Setsuka peered over Seishirou's shoulder, frowning. "Lower, darling. Goodness, don't you remember what I taught you?"

Hokuto huffed and jabbed her fists into her hips. "Really, Sei-chan, don't you listen to your mommy?"

Subaru gave an incoherent wail in protest of their protests. Hokuto put up her hands and sighed.

"Fine, what do I know? I'm only your twin, after all. Oy..."

"Catering was provided by CLAMP Campus Culinary Academy!" Larg continued on, blithely unaware of the staking taking place. "Costuming was provided by Daidouji Enterprises: 'We Clothe Sakura-chan In All Her Lovely Incarnations!'!"

Fai poked Kurogane in the side. "Come on, Kuro-woofy--let's wrangle up the kids and get out of here."

"For once, you're making sense," Kurogane muttered under his breath. He scooped up Syaoran while Fai handled Sakura and whistled for Soel.

"Join us next time for our Thanksgiving special, where the ravenous turkeys will be graciously donated by the CLAMP Campus Mad Scientistry Labs: 'Tomorrow's Monstrous Sins Against the Universe, Today!'!"

Kurogane lunged for Soel with a roar. "Get us the hell out of here before she decides she doesn't want to wait!"

"Rightyo!" Soel chirped, opening his mouth wide.

"See you real soon!" Larg chirped. "Happy Halloween--!"

**XV. Epilogues explain all.**

"Well?" Watanuki asked, expectantly.

"Well what?" Yuuko groaned. Maru and Moro were operating under another Code Green. Maru gathered up the bucket and skipped off to get more ice.

"Aren't you going to give some explanation for that stupid little escapade?"

Yuuko snorted. "You can never hope to understand my motives."

Watanuki bristled. "Your motives are drinking, malice, and the burning desire to humiliate me!"

Yuuko blinked slowly. "...well, maybe you can..." she mumbled.

Watanuki grumbled in frustration. Yuuko sighed and adjusted the cool washcloth on her forehead.

"Larg, come here," she called.

Larg waddled over to Yuuko and plopped onto her stomach. Yuuko tapped its forehead jewel--it flickered to life, and beamed a vision of Happy-Hoppy-Floof-Floof Land onto the glass of the coffee table.

To Watanuki's surprise and horror, the peaceful fields of Happy-Hoppy-Floof-Floof Land were littered with the corpses of nightmarish beasts. Only a few dozen of the beasts remained, running frantically from the pointy-toothed Bunny Forces. Squirrels pitched chestnuts at the monsters' skulls from elm tree fortresses, picking them off one by one to be finished off by the Chipmunk Calvary. The sweet bluebirds acted as the air forces; dive-bombing and pecking any exposed flesh.

"Someone was looking for them," Yuuko explained with a rueful smirk. "And I decided to hide them."

She burped, and thumped at her chest with a fist.

"And I was really drunk," she added.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Yuuko winced at the sound.

"Trick or treaters," she grumbled. "Go and get the door, Watanuki."

Watanuki got up in a daze, and wandered to the front door. The doorbell rang again.

"Coming, coming," he called. He scooped up the bowl of candy that sat expectantly on the table, and opened up the door.

"Good evening," greeted a young boy, sweeping a dramatic, caped bow. Watanuki vaguely recognized his costume from a Western musical--Phantom of the Something.

"Opera," the boy answered with a knowing smile from behind a half-mask. "Is Ms. Ichihara in? I'm an old friend. The name is Hiiragizawa."

"Candy!" squealed a young girl of Watanuki's age, lunging gracefully at the candy bowl in her ballerina outfit. The kitten perched on her shoulder, wearing a sensible bow-tie and top-hat, tumbled off and hit the table with an indignant protest.

The boy--Hiiragizawa, Watanuki corrected himself--chuckled and gestured to the woman behind him. Dressed in a lovely ballroom gown and mask--and considerably older than the boy she was with, Watanuki mentally added; his mother, perhaps?--she smiled and took his hand, walking into the house with him. The ballerina and kitten dutifully followed; the ballerina stuffing her face with candy, the kitten looking upon the sweets warily.

"Yuuko-san, you've got guests!" called Watanuki.

"'m too hungover for customers," Yuuko moaned from the sitting-room.

"So nice to know some things will never change," Hiiragizawa replied, tipping his hat as he reached the threshold of the room.

Yuuko's eyes flew open, and there was a long, pregnant pause as she locked eyes with the young boy. She then let out an aggravated shriek.

"_YOU--_"

"Trick or treat?" Hiiragizawa suggested, instead.

"I'll show _you_ a trick--" Yuuko snarled, rising from the couch where she lay. She immediately sank back down with a dizzy moan.

Hiiragizawa smiled knowingly. "I brought you some hair of the dog, if you will," he said, offering Yuuko a wrapped bottle.

"Ugggghhhh..." Yuuko flicked her wrist at the bottle; it lifted itself and drifted into the wine cabinet. "I'm _never_ drinking again."

There was a long, long pause after that. Then, both Yuuko and Hiiragizawa burst into laughter.

"Oh, man," Yuuko laughed, wiping away some tears. "Ready for movie night?"

Hiiragizawa smiled and held up a popcorn-maker. "As always. I do so enjoy our annual horror movie fests. I hope you don't mind that I brought my lady friend?"

The woman smiled and bowed deeply to Yuuko. "Mitsuki Kaho," she introduced.

"Charmed," Yuuko said, twirling her hand and bowing her head. "I have no damn clue what you see in him."

Yuuko flicked her wrist again, and the walls turned on their feet to reveal an impressive cinema system and film collection. Hiiragizawa and Mitsuki settled themselves on the couch with Yuuko, while the ballerina and kitten fought over the pillows on the floor. Yuuko glanced at Watanuki.

"Want to stay, kid? We've got Rocky Horror, all of the Halloweens..."

Watanuki waved her off and shook his head. "I'm going to the school dance tonight, thanks."

Yuuko smirked. "Oh? With who?"

Watanuki's eyes closed blissfully.

"With Himawari-chan--!" One could positively hear the sparkles in his voice at the name.

"And Doumeki-kun," Yuuko added. "He told me that he would tag along when he visited earlier tonight, to make sure you didn't get targeted by spirits. They're very active tonight, you know."

Watanuki's eye twitched.

"Whatever," he grumbled, going to pick up his school satchel. "I'm going now. Have fun with your movie night."

As Watanuki walked to the door, he could hear Yuuko and Hiiragizawa discussing rules for the night's drinking game. He rolled his eyes, opened the door--

There stood Doumeki and Himawari, dressed as Rocky and Janet, respectively. Watanuki paled to a ghostly white.

"Put on your costume and let's head out," Doumeki said, tossing him a corset. "We'll be late."

Watanuki very manfully fainted.

**IN CONCLUSION?**

**Break all the rules you can. You're pretty much fucked either way.**

**THE END.**


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